Hello, my name is Heidi. It has been 8 days since my last confession...
And so it goes after a solid week of family togetherness, not-so-togetherness, and everything in between. Now I realize that blended families are de rigueur these days, but I have to say that mine takes the cake, or pumpkin pie should I say.
There was no - "stop, pause and listen" going on for me in the past 8 days. In fact, it was more of a "panic (or manic), control and seethe" experience. Clearly my old self bared its dusty soul. We ran the gamut of managing my father's near volcanic temper due to a sibling's extremely late arrival to the Thanksgiving feast, to his near tectonic explosion (and frankly bewildered disbelief) at the gross display of disrespect by one of his grandchildren.
So now that a few days have passed since my dueling Thanksgiving feasts, I ask myself - how do other family's deal with this annually-inflicted level of expected, and real, love and affection complicit with toxic levels of angst, displaced expectations and unrepressed anger? Is it just me?
So how do family's deal with these kinds of drama? Does one adhere to the laconic - "don't discuss, don't respond" dynamic? Or the more loquacious - "so who's in the dog house now?" approach. Or, in fact, are there such deified familial states that one does not need to take to one's bed at the thought of over-saturating the stuffing? Inquiring minds want to know...
So after all of the typical Hutchison post-mortem hubaloo of which I was prime participant, I learned something this holiday. It may sound trite, hackneyed, whatever phrase you want to use but here goes: I love my family unconditionally, I love being part of my family, I embrace them warts, wine and all, and as my sister and I swore over blood oaths, we would take down anyone who disrespected our family.
Tall words for two chicks hitting their mid-40s. Did I mention we were buff?
So there goes the words of the Thanksgiving prophet - love thyself as much as you love your family, and you will go far.
Cheers!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Still trying to stop, pause and listen
Well, my first official week of this new approach to self exploration has now passed. And how has it gone you may ask. Well, first off I realize that I am destined to be as much of a Type A "spiritual, self-aware" person as I was an executive.
In the past week I have done the following:
1. Physical - Signed up for the Carlsbad half-marathon and had my first long run of 1:15 (hr:min) for 7.15 miles. Not bad considering I hadn't run longer than 4 miles in the past 6 months.
2. Spiritual - (Being of service) - as part of my training and running the Carlsbad Half, I have committed to fund-raising on behalf of the North County Food Bank. I need to raise $750 by December 15th or I am on the hook for the balance. No pressure there. I chose this charity because as they say, charity begins at home - and North County is my home. It has taken me 8 years to come to terms with that, but now it is my truth.
3. Mental - I actually dusted off the books that I had bought earlier this year that were recommended to me by my brother-in-law Joe Smith, who is one of the most spiritually grounded people I know, by Thích Nhất Hạnh, and read one of them. I found myself having to force myself to read very slowly as the words were simple, but profound. You could not read them at record pace and absorb anything. It was very telling at how hard it was for me to slow down and actually take in the profundity of the words in front of me. The other learning I found was that often I seem to find the purchasing of a book the equivalent of possessing the knowledge within. As if by merely possessing a book, all of its pearls of wisdom are already gleaned without having to open its pages and do the real work. Kind of like the feeling that having it at your disposable is enough. Weak.
And last, but not least, starting up this blog again. Not sure where it fits in the glorious triumvirate of physical, spiritual and mental, but a move in the right direction of disciplining myself on keeping the journey in mind, and frankly documenting the journey. I have always kept journals on any of my travels and I guess this is just like another travel - it is just more one from within than without.
So - I have my homework for this week laid out. Did I mention the type A thing?
1. Craft my personal elevator pitch (essentially, what the hell am I going to tell people what I am doing over the next few months and not sound like I am two steps away from the loony farm)
2. Set a schedule for the activities that I am going to do everyday to maintain my discipline on ensuring that this time is a productive and proactive approach to allowing myself permission to step out of the comfortable and find what is available to me. Frankly, I have had the nagging feeling that what I was meant to do, to be is out there waving its hands frantically trying to get my attention - I have just never had the listening for it. Hence my new mantra - "stop, pause and listen".
3. Investigate where my passions lie and the possibilities available there. So, where my passions lie is the easy one. Women's rights, wildlife conservation, adventure travel and photography. Job done. Now - how can I make something out of them? Ideas, anyone?
OK - well, that is quite a litany for one week so chew on that and if you have any ideas or feedback - good, bad or ugly - let me know.
Signing off for now. I need to get a signature sign-off line....
H
In the past week I have done the following:
1. Physical - Signed up for the Carlsbad half-marathon and had my first long run of 1:15 (hr:min) for 7.15 miles. Not bad considering I hadn't run longer than 4 miles in the past 6 months.
2. Spiritual - (Being of service) - as part of my training and running the Carlsbad Half, I have committed to fund-raising on behalf of the North County Food Bank. I need to raise $750 by December 15th or I am on the hook for the balance. No pressure there. I chose this charity because as they say, charity begins at home - and North County is my home. It has taken me 8 years to come to terms with that, but now it is my truth.
3. Mental - I actually dusted off the books that I had bought earlier this year that were recommended to me by my brother-in-law Joe Smith, who is one of the most spiritually grounded people I know, by Thích Nhất Hạnh, and read one of them. I found myself having to force myself to read very slowly as the words were simple, but profound. You could not read them at record pace and absorb anything. It was very telling at how hard it was for me to slow down and actually take in the profundity of the words in front of me. The other learning I found was that often I seem to find the purchasing of a book the equivalent of possessing the knowledge within. As if by merely possessing a book, all of its pearls of wisdom are already gleaned without having to open its pages and do the real work. Kind of like the feeling that having it at your disposable is enough. Weak.
And last, but not least, starting up this blog again. Not sure where it fits in the glorious triumvirate of physical, spiritual and mental, but a move in the right direction of disciplining myself on keeping the journey in mind, and frankly documenting the journey. I have always kept journals on any of my travels and I guess this is just like another travel - it is just more one from within than without.
So - I have my homework for this week laid out. Did I mention the type A thing?
1. Craft my personal elevator pitch (essentially, what the hell am I going to tell people what I am doing over the next few months and not sound like I am two steps away from the loony farm)
2. Set a schedule for the activities that I am going to do everyday to maintain my discipline on ensuring that this time is a productive and proactive approach to allowing myself permission to step out of the comfortable and find what is available to me. Frankly, I have had the nagging feeling that what I was meant to do, to be is out there waving its hands frantically trying to get my attention - I have just never had the listening for it. Hence my new mantra - "stop, pause and listen".
3. Investigate where my passions lie and the possibilities available there. So, where my passions lie is the easy one. Women's rights, wildlife conservation, adventure travel and photography. Job done. Now - how can I make something out of them? Ideas, anyone?
OK - well, that is quite a litany for one week so chew on that and if you have any ideas or feedback - good, bad or ugly - let me know.
Signing off for now. I need to get a signature sign-off line....
H
Stop, pause and listen
It has been almost a year since I wrote my last post. During that time I have attempted to launch Wonder Women Execs, started a consulting business and generally kept looking for the Holy Grail of what, where and how I should be living my life. What I failed to do in all of this machinations is actually be present in it.
What I mean by that is for my whole life I have basically been trying to control everything - my career, my relationships, my children. I have focused on externalities to validate myself as manifested in academic, professional and social achievement. But I have never, or at least in any sustainable way, stopped to listen to what was out there. To pause and listen to what the "universe" ( I feel so hokey when I say that but don't know any other way of describing it) has available for me. I guess they call that spirituality. As Wendy puts it, I am spiritually bankrupt - I have no spiritual equity. That is not to say that I am evil, or do not have faith, but rather that I have not invested in my spiritual self.
So, my friends, I am going to go on a journey. A travel if you will - not to the depths of Africa (although I wish I could right now) - but to the depths of my inner self. I need to stop trying to control everything and just "be" with where I am. This all sounds so New-Agey when I write this, but it is something that I have never been able to do.
I have been given a gift of time (yes, I got laid off again - but that story later) and a gift of limited financial freedom (David got a fantastic new job) to engage in this exploration. I really don't know what it will look like, but I am excited to begin.
As part of this adventure, I am going to write about it and share my thoughts, frustrations, joys and overall progress. A spiritual catharsis if you will.
Here goes....
What I mean by that is for my whole life I have basically been trying to control everything - my career, my relationships, my children. I have focused on externalities to validate myself as manifested in academic, professional and social achievement. But I have never, or at least in any sustainable way, stopped to listen to what was out there. To pause and listen to what the "universe" ( I feel so hokey when I say that but don't know any other way of describing it) has available for me. I guess they call that spirituality. As Wendy puts it, I am spiritually bankrupt - I have no spiritual equity. That is not to say that I am evil, or do not have faith, but rather that I have not invested in my spiritual self.
So, my friends, I am going to go on a journey. A travel if you will - not to the depths of Africa (although I wish I could right now) - but to the depths of my inner self. I need to stop trying to control everything and just "be" with where I am. This all sounds so New-Agey when I write this, but it is something that I have never been able to do.
I have been given a gift of time (yes, I got laid off again - but that story later) and a gift of limited financial freedom (David got a fantastic new job) to engage in this exploration. I really don't know what it will look like, but I am excited to begin.
As part of this adventure, I am going to write about it and share my thoughts, frustrations, joys and overall progress. A spiritual catharsis if you will.
Here goes....
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