I want to talk about letting go.
I am not talking about climbing to the highest skyscraper and dropping a penny to see how far it will embed itself in the pavement hundreds of feet below. As a matter of context, I have fixated on this visual for decades as I was told as a child that a penny would dig 1/4 inch into the sidewalk if dropped from the top of the Empire State Building - and I have been fascinated ever since. Go figure.
So back to letting go - what does it mean really? Here I am on a "spiritual journey". But I am not a New Age guru-seeker wearing newly donned Birkenstocks and looking to find a deal on lentils, nor am I a quasi-Elizabeth Gilbert trying to "eat, pray, love" my way to a new beginning. Although I have to admit the idea of taking a year to travel the world in pursuit of myself seems beyond nirvana. I have to laugh though - how ironic would it be for me, or any global traveler frankly, to travel in order to find myself. The whole point of my travels is to get away from myself and immerse myself in others and another way of life. But I digress....
So here I am trying to let go in order to allow other possibilities to happen. Wow - that is a tall tale for a 40-something woman like myself to absorb, let alone actuate, if all she has ever relied on is herself and her own actions. How do you let go of four decades of repeated validation that it all rests on your efforts, your smarts, your determination - you make it happen, Heidi - you, you, you...
Have I mentioned I am struggling with this? The concept of letting go I get, the concept I wholeheartedly embrace - it is the practice that I struggle with.
How do you switch from having 100% of your professional mindset devoted to business advancement, to ensuring you were continuously learning and perceived as at the forefront of your profession, to then being given the gift of time to decide how you want to change and go in a completely different direction? To go from having your mind devoted 24/7 (minus parenting of course) to an expertise you have cultivated for years, to jumping off the gravy train for a few months to reassess what your life's purpose is?
I have to say from being in the middle of such a shift - it is a mind f**k. Excuse me the profanity but I don't know any other way of expressing the extremity of the shift.
So how am I managing so far. Well, much like a recovering addict I have decided to shy away from all of the activities, networks, newsletters, etc... where I used to prowl as an executive in ambitious pursuit of validation, stature, and professional security. I feel that I need to distance myself away from the forums and activities that fed my previous beliefs of what I was supposed to be doing with my life in the traditional sense. If I don't do this then I fear this brief time allotted me would merely be a sabbatical in my career rather than an epiphanic journey.
And as such, I often find myself not knowing how to direct myself. Please don't read this as if I have such ample and newfound time on my hands that I just can't decide if I want milky bon bons or fleshy grapes as I am being fanned by a Nubian youth. No - my issue is rather how do I enact this proactive change in mindset? What do I need to do to start practicing what I am saying I am committed to do. Words are just that. I need action.
So how do I do that. I feel confident that in the short term I have done what I need to do to separate myself from what I am used to, but I am at odds as to how to enact the next phase - the what the hell do you want to be when you grow up phase. David's new job and his career success has given me a reprieve for a little bit at least to seriously review what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend it. I want to give back. Full stop. I want to find causes that fulfill and engage my passions - women's rights, wildlife conservation, eco-tourism, and wildlife photography. I want to take all of the energy, intuition, passion, relentless pursuit, and intellect that I had focused on business previously to now ignite the cause, enterprise or project that will be identified through this journey. And I don't mean just volunteering - I mean truly making a difference in a big way. Whatever that looks like.
I guess I have gone from striving for the aspirational to the inspirational.
So come find me, I am waving my hands up in the air looking for you!!
H
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Holiday Hangover
Hello, my name is Heidi. It has been 8 days since my last confession...
And so it goes after a solid week of family togetherness, not-so-togetherness, and everything in between. Now I realize that blended families are de rigueur these days, but I have to say that mine takes the cake, or pumpkin pie should I say.
There was no - "stop, pause and listen" going on for me in the past 8 days. In fact, it was more of a "panic (or manic), control and seethe" experience. Clearly my old self bared its dusty soul. We ran the gamut of managing my father's near volcanic temper due to a sibling's extremely late arrival to the Thanksgiving feast, to his near tectonic explosion (and frankly bewildered disbelief) at the gross display of disrespect by one of his grandchildren.
So now that a few days have passed since my dueling Thanksgiving feasts, I ask myself - how do other family's deal with this annually-inflicted level of expected, and real, love and affection complicit with toxic levels of angst, displaced expectations and unrepressed anger? Is it just me?
So how do family's deal with these kinds of drama? Does one adhere to the laconic - "don't discuss, don't respond" dynamic? Or the more loquacious - "so who's in the dog house now?" approach. Or, in fact, are there such deified familial states that one does not need to take to one's bed at the thought of over-saturating the stuffing? Inquiring minds want to know...
So after all of the typical Hutchison post-mortem hubaloo of which I was prime participant, I learned something this holiday. It may sound trite, hackneyed, whatever phrase you want to use but here goes: I love my family unconditionally, I love being part of my family, I embrace them warts, wine and all, and as my sister and I swore over blood oaths, we would take down anyone who disrespected our family.
Tall words for two chicks hitting their mid-40s. Did I mention we were buff?
So there goes the words of the Thanksgiving prophet - love thyself as much as you love your family, and you will go far.
Cheers!
And so it goes after a solid week of family togetherness, not-so-togetherness, and everything in between. Now I realize that blended families are de rigueur these days, but I have to say that mine takes the cake, or pumpkin pie should I say.
There was no - "stop, pause and listen" going on for me in the past 8 days. In fact, it was more of a "panic (or manic), control and seethe" experience. Clearly my old self bared its dusty soul. We ran the gamut of managing my father's near volcanic temper due to a sibling's extremely late arrival to the Thanksgiving feast, to his near tectonic explosion (and frankly bewildered disbelief) at the gross display of disrespect by one of his grandchildren.
So now that a few days have passed since my dueling Thanksgiving feasts, I ask myself - how do other family's deal with this annually-inflicted level of expected, and real, love and affection complicit with toxic levels of angst, displaced expectations and unrepressed anger? Is it just me?
So how do family's deal with these kinds of drama? Does one adhere to the laconic - "don't discuss, don't respond" dynamic? Or the more loquacious - "so who's in the dog house now?" approach. Or, in fact, are there such deified familial states that one does not need to take to one's bed at the thought of over-saturating the stuffing? Inquiring minds want to know...
So after all of the typical Hutchison post-mortem hubaloo of which I was prime participant, I learned something this holiday. It may sound trite, hackneyed, whatever phrase you want to use but here goes: I love my family unconditionally, I love being part of my family, I embrace them warts, wine and all, and as my sister and I swore over blood oaths, we would take down anyone who disrespected our family.
Tall words for two chicks hitting their mid-40s. Did I mention we were buff?
So there goes the words of the Thanksgiving prophet - love thyself as much as you love your family, and you will go far.
Cheers!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Still trying to stop, pause and listen
Well, my first official week of this new approach to self exploration has now passed. And how has it gone you may ask. Well, first off I realize that I am destined to be as much of a Type A "spiritual, self-aware" person as I was an executive.
In the past week I have done the following:
1. Physical - Signed up for the Carlsbad half-marathon and had my first long run of 1:15 (hr:min) for 7.15 miles. Not bad considering I hadn't run longer than 4 miles in the past 6 months.
2. Spiritual - (Being of service) - as part of my training and running the Carlsbad Half, I have committed to fund-raising on behalf of the North County Food Bank. I need to raise $750 by December 15th or I am on the hook for the balance. No pressure there. I chose this charity because as they say, charity begins at home - and North County is my home. It has taken me 8 years to come to terms with that, but now it is my truth.
3. Mental - I actually dusted off the books that I had bought earlier this year that were recommended to me by my brother-in-law Joe Smith, who is one of the most spiritually grounded people I know, by Thích Nhất Hạnh, and read one of them. I found myself having to force myself to read very slowly as the words were simple, but profound. You could not read them at record pace and absorb anything. It was very telling at how hard it was for me to slow down and actually take in the profundity of the words in front of me. The other learning I found was that often I seem to find the purchasing of a book the equivalent of possessing the knowledge within. As if by merely possessing a book, all of its pearls of wisdom are already gleaned without having to open its pages and do the real work. Kind of like the feeling that having it at your disposable is enough. Weak.
And last, but not least, starting up this blog again. Not sure where it fits in the glorious triumvirate of physical, spiritual and mental, but a move in the right direction of disciplining myself on keeping the journey in mind, and frankly documenting the journey. I have always kept journals on any of my travels and I guess this is just like another travel - it is just more one from within than without.
So - I have my homework for this week laid out. Did I mention the type A thing?
1. Craft my personal elevator pitch (essentially, what the hell am I going to tell people what I am doing over the next few months and not sound like I am two steps away from the loony farm)
2. Set a schedule for the activities that I am going to do everyday to maintain my discipline on ensuring that this time is a productive and proactive approach to allowing myself permission to step out of the comfortable and find what is available to me. Frankly, I have had the nagging feeling that what I was meant to do, to be is out there waving its hands frantically trying to get my attention - I have just never had the listening for it. Hence my new mantra - "stop, pause and listen".
3. Investigate where my passions lie and the possibilities available there. So, where my passions lie is the easy one. Women's rights, wildlife conservation, adventure travel and photography. Job done. Now - how can I make something out of them? Ideas, anyone?
OK - well, that is quite a litany for one week so chew on that and if you have any ideas or feedback - good, bad or ugly - let me know.
Signing off for now. I need to get a signature sign-off line....
H
In the past week I have done the following:
1. Physical - Signed up for the Carlsbad half-marathon and had my first long run of 1:15 (hr:min) for 7.15 miles. Not bad considering I hadn't run longer than 4 miles in the past 6 months.
2. Spiritual - (Being of service) - as part of my training and running the Carlsbad Half, I have committed to fund-raising on behalf of the North County Food Bank. I need to raise $750 by December 15th or I am on the hook for the balance. No pressure there. I chose this charity because as they say, charity begins at home - and North County is my home. It has taken me 8 years to come to terms with that, but now it is my truth.
3. Mental - I actually dusted off the books that I had bought earlier this year that were recommended to me by my brother-in-law Joe Smith, who is one of the most spiritually grounded people I know, by Thích Nhất Hạnh, and read one of them. I found myself having to force myself to read very slowly as the words were simple, but profound. You could not read them at record pace and absorb anything. It was very telling at how hard it was for me to slow down and actually take in the profundity of the words in front of me. The other learning I found was that often I seem to find the purchasing of a book the equivalent of possessing the knowledge within. As if by merely possessing a book, all of its pearls of wisdom are already gleaned without having to open its pages and do the real work. Kind of like the feeling that having it at your disposable is enough. Weak.
And last, but not least, starting up this blog again. Not sure where it fits in the glorious triumvirate of physical, spiritual and mental, but a move in the right direction of disciplining myself on keeping the journey in mind, and frankly documenting the journey. I have always kept journals on any of my travels and I guess this is just like another travel - it is just more one from within than without.
So - I have my homework for this week laid out. Did I mention the type A thing?
1. Craft my personal elevator pitch (essentially, what the hell am I going to tell people what I am doing over the next few months and not sound like I am two steps away from the loony farm)
2. Set a schedule for the activities that I am going to do everyday to maintain my discipline on ensuring that this time is a productive and proactive approach to allowing myself permission to step out of the comfortable and find what is available to me. Frankly, I have had the nagging feeling that what I was meant to do, to be is out there waving its hands frantically trying to get my attention - I have just never had the listening for it. Hence my new mantra - "stop, pause and listen".
3. Investigate where my passions lie and the possibilities available there. So, where my passions lie is the easy one. Women's rights, wildlife conservation, adventure travel and photography. Job done. Now - how can I make something out of them? Ideas, anyone?
OK - well, that is quite a litany for one week so chew on that and if you have any ideas or feedback - good, bad or ugly - let me know.
Signing off for now. I need to get a signature sign-off line....
H
Stop, pause and listen
It has been almost a year since I wrote my last post. During that time I have attempted to launch Wonder Women Execs, started a consulting business and generally kept looking for the Holy Grail of what, where and how I should be living my life. What I failed to do in all of this machinations is actually be present in it.
What I mean by that is for my whole life I have basically been trying to control everything - my career, my relationships, my children. I have focused on externalities to validate myself as manifested in academic, professional and social achievement. But I have never, or at least in any sustainable way, stopped to listen to what was out there. To pause and listen to what the "universe" ( I feel so hokey when I say that but don't know any other way of describing it) has available for me. I guess they call that spirituality. As Wendy puts it, I am spiritually bankrupt - I have no spiritual equity. That is not to say that I am evil, or do not have faith, but rather that I have not invested in my spiritual self.
So, my friends, I am going to go on a journey. A travel if you will - not to the depths of Africa (although I wish I could right now) - but to the depths of my inner self. I need to stop trying to control everything and just "be" with where I am. This all sounds so New-Agey when I write this, but it is something that I have never been able to do.
I have been given a gift of time (yes, I got laid off again - but that story later) and a gift of limited financial freedom (David got a fantastic new job) to engage in this exploration. I really don't know what it will look like, but I am excited to begin.
As part of this adventure, I am going to write about it and share my thoughts, frustrations, joys and overall progress. A spiritual catharsis if you will.
Here goes....
What I mean by that is for my whole life I have basically been trying to control everything - my career, my relationships, my children. I have focused on externalities to validate myself as manifested in academic, professional and social achievement. But I have never, or at least in any sustainable way, stopped to listen to what was out there. To pause and listen to what the "universe" ( I feel so hokey when I say that but don't know any other way of describing it) has available for me. I guess they call that spirituality. As Wendy puts it, I am spiritually bankrupt - I have no spiritual equity. That is not to say that I am evil, or do not have faith, but rather that I have not invested in my spiritual self.
So, my friends, I am going to go on a journey. A travel if you will - not to the depths of Africa (although I wish I could right now) - but to the depths of my inner self. I need to stop trying to control everything and just "be" with where I am. This all sounds so New-Agey when I write this, but it is something that I have never been able to do.
I have been given a gift of time (yes, I got laid off again - but that story later) and a gift of limited financial freedom (David got a fantastic new job) to engage in this exploration. I really don't know what it will look like, but I am excited to begin.
As part of this adventure, I am going to write about it and share my thoughts, frustrations, joys and overall progress. A spiritual catharsis if you will.
Here goes....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wonder Women Execs is born
Well, I have been contemplating this blog for some time now and am just at the point where I feel it is ready to take on a life of its own.
What is Wonder Women Execs? It all started as an glimmer of an idea a few years ago when I found myself at the ripe age of 42, newly married and expecting my first child. But wait, I thought at the time, I have work to do, a career to think of? I am an executive here. I don't have time for this. Granted I am being somewhat facetious (you will find that I do tend to the dramatic at times), but I truly did think first of how having a baby would effect my career, rather than how I would fit my career into my role as a Mom. Does this resonate with anyone? To emphasize this point, I remember very clearly having a conversation with Human Resources at my company where I with utter sincerity explained how I would only be taking 6 weeks of maternity leave because I could just work from home the second 6 weeks. No problem.
Of course, all of this changed dramatically and permanently once our baby Heather Rose made an appearance. I guess I am the embodiment of the cliche - all it took was that first glimpse of her tiny little body and beautiful, scrunched up face to change my world. In other words, she had me at hello. But now I had a dilemna on my hands - how was I going to be an executive pulling in the 60+ hour work weeks AND spend the quality time I wanted, no needed with my baby daughter?
Well, I tried - oh Lord, did I try. For 18 months, I suited up and off I went to the office pretending that I hadn't left my heart back at home. I would work full days, lunches at my desk so I could get home as soon as possible. If I was lucky I came home for lunch to breastfeed, otherwise, I had the pleasure of pumping in the back seat of my car in the executive garage. Now there is a visual. Once home, I would feed the baby, get dinner ready for my husband and stepson, put the baby to bed, and then get back on my computer until the wee hours finishing up on all the work I had yet to get done that day. Repeat. Clearly this was not sustainable.
My company required the face time in the office, and my baby needed me to be at home. Where was my choice in all of this? As it stood, I had one of two options. One, continue on the traditional, corporate executive path and miss out on watching my baby grow; or two, become a stay-at-home Mom and forgo the financial and intellectual stimulation I relished in my career. A Hobson's choice at best. That's when I got mad. (Note to readers: Anger is a great motivator.) Why did I need to give up one to have the other? Why did corporate America make it so hard for executive women to flourish in their careers and have a home life? Why couldn't I take my career path into my own hands? Why not, indeed.
And so Wonder Women Execs was born.
What is Wonder Women Execs? It all started as an glimmer of an idea a few years ago when I found myself at the ripe age of 42, newly married and expecting my first child. But wait, I thought at the time, I have work to do, a career to think of? I am an executive here. I don't have time for this. Granted I am being somewhat facetious (you will find that I do tend to the dramatic at times), but I truly did think first of how having a baby would effect my career, rather than how I would fit my career into my role as a Mom. Does this resonate with anyone? To emphasize this point, I remember very clearly having a conversation with Human Resources at my company where I with utter sincerity explained how I would only be taking 6 weeks of maternity leave because I could just work from home the second 6 weeks. No problem.
Of course, all of this changed dramatically and permanently once our baby Heather Rose made an appearance. I guess I am the embodiment of the cliche - all it took was that first glimpse of her tiny little body and beautiful, scrunched up face to change my world. In other words, she had me at hello. But now I had a dilemna on my hands - how was I going to be an executive pulling in the 60+ hour work weeks AND spend the quality time I wanted, no needed with my baby daughter?
Well, I tried - oh Lord, did I try. For 18 months, I suited up and off I went to the office pretending that I hadn't left my heart back at home. I would work full days, lunches at my desk so I could get home as soon as possible. If I was lucky I came home for lunch to breastfeed, otherwise, I had the pleasure of pumping in the back seat of my car in the executive garage. Now there is a visual. Once home, I would feed the baby, get dinner ready for my husband and stepson, put the baby to bed, and then get back on my computer until the wee hours finishing up on all the work I had yet to get done that day. Repeat. Clearly this was not sustainable.
My company required the face time in the office, and my baby needed me to be at home. Where was my choice in all of this? As it stood, I had one of two options. One, continue on the traditional, corporate executive path and miss out on watching my baby grow; or two, become a stay-at-home Mom and forgo the financial and intellectual stimulation I relished in my career. A Hobson's choice at best. That's when I got mad. (Note to readers: Anger is a great motivator.) Why did I need to give up one to have the other? Why did corporate America make it so hard for executive women to flourish in their careers and have a home life? Why couldn't I take my career path into my own hands? Why not, indeed.
And so Wonder Women Execs was born.
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