Letting go, going, going, gone....

I want to talk about letting go.

I am not talking about climbing to the highest skyscraper and dropping a penny to see how far it will embed itself in the pavement hundreds of feet below.  As a matter of context, I have fixated on this visual for decades as I was told as a child that a penny would dig 1/4 inch into the sidewalk if dropped from the top of the Empire State Building - and I have been fascinated ever since. Go figure. 

So back to letting go - what does it mean really?  Here I am on a "spiritual journey".  But I am not a New Age guru-seeker wearing newly donned Birkenstocks and looking to find a deal on lentils, nor am I a quasi-Elizabeth Gilbert trying to "eat, pray, love" my way to a new beginning.  Although I have to admit the idea of taking a year to travel the world in pursuit of myself seems beyond nirvana.  I have to laugh though - how ironic would it be for me, or any global traveler frankly, to travel in order to find myself.  The whole point of my travels is to get away from myself and immerse myself in others and another way of life.  But I digress....

So here I am trying to let go in order to allow other possibilities to happen.  Wow - that is a tall tale for a 40-something woman like myself to absorb, let alone actuate, if all she has ever relied on is herself and her own actions.  How do you let go of four decades of repeated validation that it all rests on your efforts, your smarts, your determination - you make it happen, Heidi - you, you, you...

Have I mentioned I am struggling with this?  The concept of letting go I get, the concept I wholeheartedly embrace -  it is the practice that I struggle with.

How do you switch from having 100% of your professional mindset devoted to business advancement, to ensuring you were continuously learning and perceived as at the forefront of your profession, to then being given the gift of time to decide how you want to change and go in a completely different direction?  To go from having your mind devoted 24/7 (minus parenting of course) to an expertise you have cultivated for years, to jumping off the gravy train for a few months to reassess what your life's purpose is?

I have to say from being in the middle of such a shift - it is a mind f**k.  Excuse me the profanity but I don't know any other way of expressing the extremity of the shift. 

So how am I managing so far.  Well, much like a recovering addict I have decided to shy away from all of the activities, networks, newsletters, etc... where I used to prowl as an executive in ambitious pursuit of validation, stature,  and professional security.  I feel that I need to distance myself away from the forums and activities that fed my previous beliefs of what I was supposed to be doing with my life in the traditional sense.  If I don't do this then I fear this brief time allotted me would merely be a sabbatical in my career rather than an epiphanic journey.

And as such, I often find myself not knowing how to direct myself.  Please don't read this as if I have such ample and newfound time on my hands that I just can't decide if I want milky bon bons or fleshy grapes as I am being fanned by a Nubian youth.  No - my issue is rather how do I enact this proactive change in mindset?  What do I need to do to start practicing what I am saying I am committed to do.  Words are just that.  I need action.  

So how do I do that.  I feel confident that in the short term I have done what I need to do to separate myself from what I am used to, but I am at odds as to how to enact the next phase - the what the hell do you want to be when you grow up phase.  David's new job and his career success has given me a reprieve for a little bit at least to seriously review what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend it.  I want to give back. Full stop.  I want to find causes that fulfill and engage my passions - women's rights, wildlife conservation, eco-tourism, and wildlife photography.  I want to take all of the energy, intuition, passion, relentless pursuit, and intellect that I had focused on business previously to now ignite the cause, enterprise or project that will be identified through this journey.  And I don't mean just volunteering - I mean truly making a difference in a big way.  Whatever that looks like.

I guess I have gone from striving for the aspirational to the inspirational.

So come find me, I am waving my hands up in the air looking for you!!

H